Tattoo

And so it begins. . .

A weekend of catharcis. Today would have been the day that Little Jess's body began to give up. I recieved a call that I should come in tomorrow and tell her goodbye. I didn't want to go. Something in my heart kept saying "She's not in there." We gathered in Mary and Marrianne's home that night to cry. I had been watching The Shipping News when Jess's dad called. Two years ago I was in the hospital and had told Jess I wanted to see it. I waited for the DVD. I still haven't watched the end.

My parents drove me over to Mary and Marriane's. They didn't feel right coming in so they drove around Astoria and got Dunkin' Donuts coffee. We were in for a long week. I watched my friends arrive and collapse into eachother. Tears and Wailing hardly seemed enough. Nobody else had been invited to the hospital the next day. I think they were lucky. We all held hands and wept in spurts. I cried all the way home. "Can I do anything?" My mother had asked. "We got you a coffee." "I don't think I can stand feeling any more awake."

A hot cup of coffee can sometimes stop an asthma attack. Ed didn't stop to make coffee. The ambulance had not had a percolator.

The next morning I would wander down the long hall of Mt. Sinai. The family had begun to pack up their belongings. The waiting room was no longer ours. The wait was over. A new family was already taking over. I gave them my bag of quarters for parking and phone calls. I felt rediculous talking to Jess. Why wouldn't she just sit up and answer. "It's time!" We all collapsed in tears. Jess went away. Her heart still lives in a 50 year old man. Funny, a piece of ours had shrivelled and died. She was keeping her eyes. I wished I could see them sparkle.

Tomorrow a small group of us are getting tattoos as a memorial. Not everyones cup of tea, but it makes sense to us. Somehow, carving this loss into our flesh is just a physical manifestation of what has happened to us for a year now. Bring the pain into the physical world. Make our scars visible. I will wear mine with pride. At least I know when the tattoo will heal.